Progress

Well, It's probably all water but I'm down 3 pounds so far this week. Feels too early to celebrate but I'm happy all the same. I'm going to go with it and try to keep on track today. Mostly I'm avoiding any white carbs and no sugar. I'm trying to have some moderation so I don't fail and get frustrated with myself. It's going to be a busy day out and about. Work early this morning, orthodontic appointments and guitar lessons so eating today might be a challenge.

Karie - yes, caffeine - honestly tho, it's Diet Pepsi that I'm referring to. The aspartame is horrible for me. I'm rather reactive to it too. I've had a cup of tea a day and do fine with that, but the soda caffeine that I love needs to be eliminated FOREVER!

Susanne - Thanks for your pm. I'm going to look into that. The quick results are very appealing, but I want to make sure I wouldn't lose then regain. Thank you for thinking of me!

Shelly - Thanks for your note too. I'll write back to you later today!

Thanks for reading, commenting, caring! LOVE!

Sick

I'm sick. tired. still working. still caring for kids. sleeping early every night. trying to eliminate caffeine while I'm at it. yes, again. I know. I love that you miss me! Thanks for letting me know. I'm working on my eating, I'm working on getting up early enough to exercise in the mornings. I'm just doing the getting up part right now. My elliptical is getting fixed today, so exercise will come soon enough. I'm very ready for the weekend and the week is not even half over. So, I'll be back. I'll try to get back to my routine posting. I feel a bit better today. Here's a picture from our Seattle trip last week. This is one of those eye opener picture of myself. Wide.. can you just say wide?! Wow. I'm on it!

Gone for the week.

Hi there - I'm not going to be around this week. Lots going on at work and the home front. Just letting you know - Be back next Monday. Hoping that April is a better month. This first three months of the year has only resulted in a gain of 8 pounds. Feeling frustrated, but also determined to beat this. See you in a week!

Bad bad girl

I've been bad. No exercise. Lots of whatever I want to eat. Diet Pepsi. Candy. Certainly no green smoothies lately. Did I mention No exercise?! You'd think I'd like it. That it would feel good. It doesn't. I feel gross. I feel fat. I feel unhealthy. I feel foggy headed and exhausted. I feel disgusted with myself.

I want the opposite of how I feel. I need to get back on track. My husband is still just rocking his new eating ways and his pants are literally falling off him. Now, I don't mind one little bit when my husband doesn't wear pants, but I will have a really hard time when he weighs less than me. I've said for years and years before I married him that I would never be with a man whose jeans I couldn't wear. So, when he gets skinnier than me ... SO ... I want him to be healthy and to keep up his good new habits. I just have to kick myself in the ass and get losing. Getting rid of caffeine AGAIN is first, sugar next and then back to my stair climbing and green smoothies. Why did I do this to myself again??? I'll never understand that broken part inside of me that makes these choices. *kicking self in ass now

Sunshine

I want some! I just started taking Vitamin D. Did you know that Vit D deficiency is one of the risk factors for breast cancer? Also, women in the Pacific Northwest have a higher incidence? I wish we had enough sunshine to make up all the Vitamin D we need, but I started taking Vit D. I don't think that little capsule will have the same emotional effect that the warm, bright sunshine does, but I'm taking it all the same.

I'm tired and sick-ish and grumpy today. I don't have anything positive to say about myself or this week. I'm choosing to not dwell on the negatives, so I have little to say at all.

I loved Shelly's tulip pictures. They cheered me up yesterday. I realized that I have some buds on tulips I planted under my mailbox last year. I hope they bloom. I have been afraid to plant tulip bulbs about my new house because of all the squirrels that enjoy eating them for lunch. I will plant a few this fall and hope they are not noticed. I would have whole beds of them if I could. I love spring bulbs.

Well - here's hoping this week turns around!

Each day is a new day

This is what I've been saying to my almost 9 year old lately. I'm trying to help him not get discouraged and feel defeated. My message to him is that each day he gets to choose what kind of day he has. Good or bad, but at the end of the day, let it go and the next day is a new beginning to choose again.

I spend a lot of time beating myself up for the poor choices I make health wise. What I should have eaten, what I should have done, the stairs I didn't climb today, the work day that ran long. I was hearing myself talk to my boy this afternoon and realized I should be talking to myself as well. Each morning I get to choose what kind of day I'm going to have and just because I mucked it up yesterday with tomato soup and cheesecake at my favorite restaurant today I can celebrate my successes. Well, maybe tomorrow I can celebrate a success or two. Not today. Grins. But I am going to practice what I preach and allow myself a new start tomorrow.

Friends - Cyber and Otherwise

'Well, hello cyber friend' was a friendly greeting I received at church this weekend. It was from someone who I certainly consider a friend, but that I interact with more online than in person. We both live very busy lives and our social circles are peripheral. I have to say though, It was great to see her for a brief moment. Inspite of having been awhile since we have spoke in person, there was a connection and an awareness of what was going on with each other because of our cyber interactions. It made me happy. It made me feel cared about. It made me think. It made me realize that if I didn't have blogs (that I read, as well as this one), facebook, email, texting or whatever else, I would not feel as connected. I honestly don't have extra time. I don't spend much face-to-face social time. Whatever time I do have, I choose to spend with my family almost always. So, my cyber friends definitely matter. The love and support I feel here, in this blog - it matters. There's only a handful of you who read, but you matter. Thanks for being my friend. Thanks for caring. Thanks for making me feel like I matter. I am thankful for my friends, cyber or otherwise.

Huayna Picchu

TACA Airlines advertises that it will fly me to the 'Lost City of Machu Picchu'. It only costs $1,844.46 USD round trip currently. I'm sure the pricing changes as frequently as any other trip. This particular flight lands in Cusco. I have read that you have to spend about a week in the central Valley about Cusco and Agua Calientes to acclimate to the elevation before hiking the trail. I was reading this evening about Huayna Picchu. This is the very steep mountain in the background of many Machu Picchu pictures.



I just learned tonight that there are actually houses on Huayna Picchu. I always thought it was just a climb for the view. There are ruins up there! All the more fun in my opinion. It is advertised as being a very steep climb. Check out the fall to the right. I think it's stunningly beautiful!



Note the house to the top left of this picture - then there's a closer picture from a different angle below here. Anyone want to live there with me? Can you imagine?



They only allow 200 persons a day to climb it. You have to signup early in the morning and do it and be off the mountain by 4pm. I'm okay with that because who would want to climb down that mountain after dark?!

CLEAN

Wednesday was spent sitting with my Mama. It was her first dose of chemo. I've known for a bit now that we would experience this day together, but it sure makes it all too real. My mom is the best ever. I hope chemo gives us as much possible time as we can have. I intended to read this book while I was hanging out with her during her infusion. It's all about living a clean life free of toxins and bad foods. I ended up just visiting with her. Cherishing the time.


I AM going to get healthy. I AM going to exercise. I AM going to be honest with myself about my choices. I AM going to get through this journey.


Christmas 2010. My Mom, Dad, Brother and I.


I love this picture of Mom and Elleri.

I love this picture of Mom and I.

I love my Mom.

History in Pictures

You know how anorexics have a body image that is completely different than their reality? They view themselves in their mind and images as fat even when they are skeletal. Their brain doesn't accept their actual body as fact.

Well, I have that problem. Kinda. The difference between me and anorexia is that I don't envision myself fat. I don't picture myself in my head as a fat person. I don't spend much time in front of mirrors and I'm always startled when I get a full length glimpse. It's a series of: 'who is that?', 'is that really what I look like?', etc. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand, I still have lots of confidence and self-esteem most of the time, but on the other, increased awareness might help me make better choices. Hmm.

I started going through pictures this evening. I LOVE my pictures. I have hundreds from before digital cameras all lined up in photo boxes, begging to be looked at from time to time. I decided to share my body's journey in pictures. This is probably more an exercise for me to attempt to recognize my current self and also to be realistic about what my goals are. I sincerely doubt I'll ever achieve that 18 year old self, no matter how much I'd like to.


Yep - That's the 18 year old self. My best friend was pregnant with her first in this picture.



Age 20. I still liked my ass then.



Age 22. That is my dog Brea. She was amazing.



February 1995. I was 24 and 5 days shy of meeting Jake Baby himself. What an amazing God experience my pregnancy was. He left me no doubt on the hard days that His plan was perfect and an amazing gift. I gained 75 lbs. Jake was worth every one of them.



June 1996. Jake just over a year old. I was 25. I'd lost some of my pregnancy gained weight but not most of it.


January 1997. (Age 26) These next two pictures were taking in the first month of our year in Costa Rica. I'd regained all of the weight I'd lost and added a bit more. (Note my weight/appearance here and compare that to what I look like in the next couple pictures.)



September 1997.

The one above and the one of Jake below were both taken in September 1997. I love how blonde Jake's hair got sometimes in the year round sunshine.



December 1997. This was taken at the airport right before we flew home. I'd lost 70lbs there in Costa Rica over the year. Healthy, fresh, home cooking and we walked everywhere. Lots of sleep and no stress. It looks good on me. *grin

Summer 1998. Walla Walla, WA.

Could he be any cuter?

September 1998. About a year after we came home. I was keeping the weight off.

These next four pictures are Spring 1999. We were in Mexico at the time. We were there for 3 months that trip if I remember correctly.





This next picture is Jake and I at Camp MiVoden when I was camp nurse the summer of 2000.


Then I met a boy I liked. We dated for a very short while. Jake liked him too. Jake took this picture of Steven and I.


So, we got married. December 21, 2000.


And went on a honeymoon. I love that my husband loves me all sizes.


This picture is funny to me because we later realized that I had conceived Ethan earlier that day. It's taken July 4th, 2001.


Well, the body image journey gets more difficult from here. I was pregnant with Ethan and was still breastfeeding when I got pregnant with Elleri. I don't lose weight with breastfeeding, I'm one of the 'lucky' percent who hold on to weight to support the breastfeeding. So, add another pregnancy on top of the first and that equals a very overweight me. Elleri is 7 now. I don't think I can blame my weight issue on the pregnancies any longer. The pictures are far and few in between from this point on. That fact alone tells me that I'm more aware than I acknowledge.

Hope you enjoyed the pictures.

Music

This morning was TIRED. Everyone was a bit grumpy and sluggish. I was trying to motivate my kidlets and I went over and turned on Pandora. I didn't put on classical music either. I dropped on current pop music with a good dance beat. Pretty soon everyone was grooving and moving. The kids got out the door - happy even - and I'm heading to get ready for work a bounce in my step.

Music is so powerful. It can certainly affect your emotions and attitude. I'm going to try to remember to put on music ever morning to help get my family started on their day.

I haven't exercised this week so far, so I'm going to get on it today! Stairs here I come! 2 eggs and green smoothie for breakfast this morning - I'm off to a good start!

Caffeine

Can I just say I LOVE it?! Caffeine is amazing when you haven't had it for awhile. I love the way it makes me feel. I want to do stuff - I want to organize and sort and be productive. I feel smart and I get SO much accomplished. I haven't had caffeine in over a month until today (Sunday). I had a fantastic day! I got things done that I haven't been able to figure out over the past week, I got 6 loads of laundry done, I got some pictures hung up and some plans made. My coming week seems doable. I also went for a hike, hung out with friends, took the kids shopping at 4 different stores, and it was a fabulous day. I haven't gone to sleep yet. It's 245am on Monday. It still feels like Sunday because I haven't slept yet. I have to laugh at myself because everything that was great about Sunday is going to be rotten on Monday. The day after will be horrid. I'll be tired, craving, stupid brained, lazy, and frustrated. I wish there was not a physiologic acclamation with chronic consumption. I wish the great feeling didn't go away. I wish that you didn't end up needing caffeine to feel normal after awhile instead of getting the high. I wish that Diet Pepsi wasn't the equivalent of poison.

All that said however, I will be thankful for what a great day I have had and Monday (now today) will be my new 'Day 1 - no caffeine'.

Balance

I have no balance. I'm finding it very difficult to keep up with my family, work, and diet/exercise. I want to get up and exercise in the mornings before my day starts. Then I'm up til late with a kid's homework, or a sick child, or taking a moment with my man, or an even rarer quiet moment for myself. Then I can't seem to drag myself out of bed in the morning. They say it takes 28 days to create a habit. I can't seem to exercise in the morning more than 2 or 3 days in a row. I've been quiet this week on the blog because I just feel like I have nothing positive to say. That said, I'm not giving up tho, I'm not wallowing in donuts. I'll take that for a success, but Machu Picchu seems really far away and unobtainable this week. Next week will be a new week and I'll try to have a new attitude.