Motivation and Follow Through

I seriously seem to lack these skills in the areas of healthy eating and weight loss. I'm open to any ideas on how to get some. I wish I could buy it. I'm motivated to work every day, spend time with my kids, do my laundry, buy groceries. I get through tasks every day that I don't particularly want to do, but I find the motivation somewhere to get them done. Why can't I find the motivation to get healthy? I want to be able to be who I want to be. I want. I want. I want.... yet I don't. Sigh.

My house has been a busy place these past few weeks. My Auntie came to visit my mom. My mom has been living at my place since my dad has pneumonia. My eldest child has been off with his school and has come home sick. I'm tired. I'm emotionally worn out.

I am looking forward to the kids bedtime. I'm looking forward to snuggling and reading with my man. I'm looking forward to a down weekend. I'm going to take the weekend and relax. Sleep a bit. I'm looking forward to getting my ass in gear and being the me I want to be. I'm looking forward to the sunshine. Til Monday!

New Week

It's Sunday night. The house is quiet. The kids are in bed, my husband is doing his thing. I'm watching an episode of Survivor and contemplating my coming week.

My cravings are still well under control. I even had some sugar this weekend and am doing fine. I'm so very happy about that. I've lost about 6 pounds this past week. I'm sure that the coming weeks will not be so generous, but I'm pleased to have some progress.

My work schedule will be changing this coming week. I will be working every day, shorter hours. I'm trying to wrap my head around that. I need to make it a positive and use the consistency to help me get some habits formed with my exercise. It also means that I wont have to take a lunch break at work so I can do all my eating at home. I like that idea a lot. I plan to keep up my healthy eating this week. I also plan to increase my water intake. I plan to be a better person.

I was reminded today that good intentions don't result in action. There can be permanent results to not acting on intentions. Intent is not enough. I have to do.

I have to admit, a simple life, uncomplicated, living off the land, simple, hard work, but simple, is very appealing to me today. I hate making mistakes. I hate letting those I love down. I hate letting myself down. Learn from it. That's what I teach my kids. It's only a bad mistake if you don't choose to learn from it.

A Cup of Tea

It's Friday. My mom is at the beach for the week with her sister. Jacob is off on his school trip. Ethan is playing a video game on the Wii. Elleri is playing with toys next to him and intermittently reading the text from the game to him. Their collaboration is very sweet. Steven is happy and looking forward to the weekend.

I'm sitting here enjoying a cup of tea. My new Chai blend I picked up at Teavana. It's amazingly good. I'm looking at Shelly's picture of a single tulip. It's stunning and simple and beautiful. I plan to paint it. I'm contemplating how to paint a waterdrop. I'm not a painter, not an artist of any kind. I am going to attempt to paint a 40x60 canvas however.

Part of this journey is to create a new me. I haven't liked the 'me' I've been these past 9 years or so in many ways. I think the stresses of little kids and full time work and moving several times resulted in me just coping. I don't feel like I've grown or pushed or expanded my knowledge or skills. My husband is always thinking, learning, processing and pushing himself to be better or smarter. He's working on an anti-resume of things he doesn't yet know or can't yet do. All for the purpose of expanding and bettering himself. My friend Shelly made herself a list - to identify dreams, goals and intents. I think the idea of the anti-resume is interesting and I might undertake that at some point but for now I think I'll share a couple list items. I'm only going to consider a few because I don't want to discourage myself.

Dreams/Goals/Intents

1. Weight loss and better health - I am finally feeling on track. I'm down 6 pounds so far this week. No real cravings. I feel so great. It's amazing how fast the weight is coming off. It's almost as if my body is excited to get to it finally.

2. Travel - I need more trips in my life, even domestic. Of Course - Machu Picchu being the ultimate adventure for me. A summer in Italy or Spain a close second.

3. Spanish - I am going to get started on finishing up my second bachelor's degree in Spanish. I ultimately plan to get my Masters in Spanish. Why? Simply because I want to. There is no other reason and I've finally decided that wanting it is enough reason to do it.

4. Garden - See how far into the winter I can garden. I am hopeful for a big and productive summer garden this year and I really want to learn to cold frame and produce year round. I'm also trying to decide where the best place for my garden to live is at my new property. Perhaps I'll plant 3 test gardens this year and see which grows best. Hmm. That's a new and possibly good idea. I'll ponder that some more.

5. Exercise and outdoor activities - I want regular exercise to be a habit. I also want our family to do outdoor things for family time. Kayaking, rafting, walking, biking, whatever. This one will take time for all of us to become accustomed to.

6. Do something outside my box - This is going to be a painting I think. I want to stretch myself. Try something new.

This is it. My imagined tulip painting. Soon. Thanks for the inspiration Shelly!

My quiet moment is past, I now have a VERY loud and full house. I am watching friend's kids while they are out for the evening. Have a great weekend!

A Day for me

Well, I'm down more weight this morning. Exciting!

I went out yesterday. I went down into Portland. Bopped around, shopped, lunched, visited, discovered Teavana, got kidnapped and successfully sold products in the Nordstrom's cosmetic area. (You should see me - I have a 'glow' about me - even Jacob commented.) I have to laugh, but it does make a difference. I intended to get a pedicure too, but ended up just visiting through the evening with an old friend. It was an amazing day. Best day I've had in a really long time.

I didn't break off my healthy eating plan. I wasn't even tempted for more than a momentary second. It was amazing. I felt pretty, I felt healthy, I felt successful and proud. Perhaps the glow isn't from the eye cream and tinted moisturizer after all.

PS - Shelly - you have to find time to come try this new Chai tea I discovered. Oh my it's amazing! I Love Teavana!

cravings and critters

I'm down 5 pounds this morning. It feels good to finally be making some progress. I still have a couple more pounds heavier than where I was when I started this blog in January, but I'm taking it as a success. I'm also a total of 14 inches decreased overall since the first of January.

I'm doing something a bit different this time round. I have been reading and studying - trying to figure out why I get such intense sugar and carb cravings when I try to reduce them in my diet. It feels like a drug addiction to me. I can't think of anything else and it makes me almost frantic. I have been really frustrated and self critical of myself over this these past few months. In my reading I've learned that you can have an overgrowth of Candida/Yeast in your GI tract and that when you cut out sugar/carbs it results in crazy sugar and carb cravings. The yeast is trying to eat and when you take away it's food source it goes crazy. It's a parasite. It sounds disgusting. I think it is disgusting, but I have to say - I've started treating for GI yeast with medication. I'm not having cravings. Hardly at all. I'm happy with my salads and healthy choices. I'm not obsessing about food. I'm eating when I'm hungry. I even went out to eat last night and passed up the basket full of white bread with out even a moments hesitation or desire.

I'm making some assumptions because I don't really want to pay for the test for it. However some of the symptoms of GI yeast overgrowth are:

1. Gas and Bloating
2. Brain Fog
3. Infections
4. Fatigue
5. Sugar and Carbohydrate Cravings

It all fits and seems plausible. I feel so different. I'm hopeful. I feel in control and able to make the choices I need to. Maybe, just maybe I can get on track now. *happy sigh

My Man

I just have to share that my husband is amazing. It's incredible to me that he chose me. He loves me as I am. It matters not to him if I'm younger, older, thinner, heavier, happy or sad. He accepts me wherever I am. He makes me feel beautiful and amazing on a daily basis. That kind of love and acceptance is a treasure. When I am feeling down on myself, his opinion of me carries me through. When I'm weak, he keeps me strong. I never feel as beautiful as I do when I'm with him. I don't know what I did to land him, but I'm so thankful on a daily basis that I'm with him. He's the best husband, father and friend. He is so smart, funny, loving and kind. He's patient and thoughtful. He's attentive and real. I love him. I'm happy with him. I appreciate him. I'm thankful to share my life with him.

New Day One

Sunday was DAY ONE - again. Steven is home for the next couple weeks and we are both dropping into a very healthy eating plan. We both have some goals for the what to accomplish over the next couple weeks. Mine are to lose 7 pounds and get under 250 lbs. I also want to start the habit of rising earlier and getting some exercise to start off my days. I am also hoping to eliminate my sugar cravings. Sunday went great. Good eats and not too bad on the cravings. We even went to a movie and were successful at passing up the popcorn and candy. I'm proud of myself today. My alarm is set to get up for am exercise. We've even talked to Ethan about exercising with us in the morning as a way to get past the obstacle that he wakes when we get up. We'll see how that goes. I'm feeling positive and motivated.

For Suzanne -
Thanks for the compliments on my clean house. However, just to keep it honest - (whispers...I have a housekeeper). So...I can't take much credit for the clean house. Those pictures were taken on the day she comes. In fact, I can prove that it is often a very lived in house and much in need of the housekeeper's visit.

I admit that I struggle with having a housekeeper. I tell myself: I can do it, the kids need to learn to do it and it costs too much money. I've gone without help for months and find that since I work so much, what time I do have at home is spent cleaning, fussing at the kids and not enjoying being home. When the house gets cleaned every week it frees me up to come home from work and just savor the moments. For me, that makes it worth the money.

I still need to teach the kids to clean up though. Elleri just recently complained about having to pick up her toys when asked. She said 'I wish we had a maid'. I laughed and explained that we do. She says, 'yes, but I want her to pick up my toys too.' I sat her down and explained what her chore list would be like if our housekeeper didn't come every week. Elleri quickly picked up her toys and had little more to say about it except thank you. Teaching them will be a work in progress. I'm so grateful to have a clean house. I find it more relaxing and more pleasant to be home. I also say thank you every week.

Here's my proof that I just happened to take pictures on a good day.





Yes, it's really evident that my desk and laundry are the two most difficult to keep clean and sorted. Not having a garage yet makes a huge impact on the laundry room I've found. I'll get both cleaned up one of these days. There have been several times that the housekeeper can't even begin to clean the laundry room or find my desk to dust it. *grins

Positive or Nothing?

So, I don't know what to do. I'm still new to blogging.

What am I supposed to do when I can't seem to find anything positive to say. Do I share? Do I write what's on my mind? It's not very pretty this week. I know you all would be supportive, but there's nothing anyone can do. So, do I be Debbie Downer? Any of you who know me at all know that I'm really bad a pretending or being anything other than what I am at the moment. So, I've been quiet.

I've rearranged furniture. I've cried. A lot. I've eaten comfort foods. I've listened to music. (Suzanne - do you know that I pull up your blog into a background window just so I can listen to your playlist? Thanks for sharing great tunes!) I've played in the dirt with my starts and even planted some tulips because those things usually make me happy. (Shelly- I haven't looked at them this morning yet. I'm scared they will be all droopy from the freeze too. Sigh. I'm ready for a real spring and summer this year.)

I'm going to share pictures of my new living room/dining room configuration. In an effort to quit fighting with my kids over where they eat, I rearranged. The kids want to watch TV while they eat. This is fine with me (except when we are having family breakfast or dinner). However, the food spillage in the living room makes me a crazy, horrible parent. They can't seem to stop spilling, in spite of their promises. I can't seem to let go of my need to not have food stains on my furniture. So, I moved the table. Now they can eat at the table and see the TV. I'm surprised how much I like it. I don't really have any before pictures, but the two chairs that are now a 'sitting area' in the dining area off the kitchen traded places with where the table is now.



This next picture is special to me. These are the moments I hope my kids remember.



Well, they are a little droopy, but I think they will make it.







I'm sitting here thinking that the rabbits water probably froze last night too, so I'm off to go take care of them and enjoy the sunshine that is shining bright. My man comes home today. I'll cling to that. I'm home from work unexpectedly yesterday and today. I plan to make the most of it.

Reasons

I'm at risk for: diabetes, high blood pressure, joint failure, heart attacks/arrhythmias, many cancers. You rarely encounter obese old people with any quality of life.

I have three children.

I want to know my grandchildren.

I will feel better about myself.

I will feel better in general.

I will be able to pick up things off the floor without difficulty.

I will look better in clothes.

My head will be clearer - perhaps I'll be a bit smarter.

I'll have more energy.

I'll be less emotional and more even tempered.

I'll be a better mother.

I'll be able to be an example of healthy living to my kidlets.

I'll handle life's stresses better.

Find myself again and be proud of myself.

I want my kids and my husband to be proud of me, not embarrassed.

Elleri would love it if I felt like wearing a dress.

I could shop in 'normal people' stores.

I wouldn't be driven by food anymore - maybe even not have cravings.

More energy - did I mention I want more energy?

I think I need to see a shrink to figure out what my problem is. It has to all be in my head. Sigh. There are plenty of REALLY good reasons. I know what to do. I even know how to make it happen. Yet, I don't do it. I don't make it happen. Maybe hypnosis. Maybe I'll just clean out my pantry.

Eat adequate protein at every meal.
Eat within an hour of waking.
Eat healthy fats.
Eliminate all "white" food – refined sugar, flour, and cereals.
Remember to hydrate.
Eat balanced meals.

If only it were that easy! I suppose this is all the bazillion diet books out there actually say, but I think I need a list to fix what's wrong with my head.

I have been thinking often since Saturday about what obstacles are in my way to succeeding. A good friend of mine shared some thoughts about this topic and I've been pondering it.

So, here's a few of the things that come to mind:

- my own self image hasn't caught up
- too busy taking care of everyone else that I don't make time to take care of me
- weirdly unmotivated to make it a priority (apparently I'd just rather wallow in it)
- being a vegetarian complicates things
- competing demands - for instance, I've been interrupted 100 times just while typing this post so far.
- getting up early to exercise wakes up my middle child who of all of them NEEDS his sleep.
- eating on the run and doing it healthy is really hard
- I hate to cook

wow, there's so many more. I have to run - I have two kids sitting here saying, let's go. More soon.