Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Back at it.

Good things today.

1) My teacher gave credit for two questions I got wrong on the last exam for being a poorly worded question. That brought my score up to 49/50. HAPPY. I'll take every point I can get.

2) Good day at work and school today.

3) Elleri learned to ride a bike without training wheels this afternoon and I got to be there to see it.

4) My husband worked magic on my grandmother's computer. It's not his magic skills that make me so happy, but his love and respect of my grandmother and my mother. He treats my family like they are his. I love him for this.

Here's a picture of Elleri on her bike and a picture of my favorite plant in my yard right now. They both make me happy.

Monday, May 30, 2011

It's a new week.

Thanks for your prayers. I felt them. I appreciated the private messages too. Things are better. I'm better. Mom's doing better.

1) It was a very very busy weekend, but thanks to my friend Lexi (she brought a bed, mattress and a full set of adorable linens, down comforter and pillows) and her husband Kent (who came with a truck full of saws, his tool belt and years of expertise. My mom now has a private space with a door and can call it all her own. She is loving it! We still need to go some drywall taping and painting and get some electric pulled (scheduled for Thursday) and then she can fully move in. She is happy, relaxed and seems very content. That makes it all worth it.

2) I was on call for the first time since January. Call pay used to easily be 50% of my income and when life got upended in January I quit taking call. I started my new job, mom got diagnosed, I started grad school and I just didn't have emotional or logistical room for it. Now, here it is the end of May. I have finally started to look up and look around. I haven't balanced my checkbook or played with our finances since January. My husband's income has been regular this spring and it was perfect timing to not have to worry about that piece. However - I have finally started looking ahead and realizing that sooner than later that call income will be missed. So, I worked call. It was great actually. I had forgotten just how validating it is to make call back pay. It feels great. I admit - I am very motivated by money. I love making it. I am also reminded that I'm good at my job. It feels good to be proficient at something.

3) Week three of school is done. 25% finished and holding at 96%. I'm trying to decide how many classes to take Fall term. How long do I want to be in school? What am I willing to decrease time on to make room for classes? I'm currently registered for 10 credits. That's considered full time for grad school. Steven will probably be travelling again come fall. I just don't know. I may need to just do 6 or 8 credits. I have such a tendency to jump in with great intent and bite off more than I should. I would take 18 credits if I could because from 10-18 the cost is the same. That's 8 'free' credits. I know I can't handle work, kids, mom and 18 credits. At least I know my limits.

4) I am so proud of my eldest. I just like him. It takes a big person to hear a criticism,choose to listen, absorb the information and then make change. He has done this in a couple areas and I'm so pleased with him.

5) I had some great quality time with my man yesterday. I'm thankful for him. He makes me so very happy on so many levels. He exceeds my expectations on a daily basis. He has been so supportive and completely wonderful. Thank you baby.

My goal for this week is to get my school paper and quiz done and turned in before the weekend. I want to hang out with my man on Saturday and then Sunday I want to paint and finish up my mom's new room. I'd like to do it all without having school work hanging over my head. So, I'm going to get busy and see if I can get my paper written today. I hope we all have a good week!

PS - I was digging into my reading material for this week and there is only 80 pages of material!!! Last week was 380 pages, so this feels easy! Yeah!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I need prayer.

Please send up a prayer for me today. I just don't know if I can succeed at being the person I need to be. My mom is moving in. My dad can't seem to be the person he should be, so my mom is moving into the house. My husband is amazing, the kids are okay. I'm having a hard time. I can deal with the displacing, the remodeling, the re-purposing, the intrusion,constant presence and many doctor's appointments. I am not dealing well with the fact that person that I'm caring for is quickly not my mom. My husband once said that his mom was 'gone' several years before she died. I understood it at the time, intellectually. I get it now. I wish I didn't.

I don't hide my feelings. I've never taken the time to learn the social grace of masking myself. If I'm feeling it or thinking it, you will know because you can see it on my face or I will tell you straight up. I'm finding myself getting frustrated and short tempered with my mom. She can't keep up mentally anymore - chemo side effects are evil. She still wants to be helpful - it's what she lives for, the feeling of being needed. I do need her. I need the old her. I don't want her to see my frustration or my sadness. She knows me so well. I want to respect and honor her. I want her to feel loved and wanted. I could use a couple extra prayers.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Tuesday - a little bit of sunshine

Hi! It's ultimately been a good day.

My class went great this morning. Even got out a bit early. There was a moment of sunshine I enjoyed on one of the breaks.

My kids are well even though I didn't get home until after dinner time because I had to work after class.

The best part of my day... well two things actually - my husband told me on the phone that he had been thinking of me and feeling all full up of loving, romantic thoughts about me. He also texted me that he's glad I'm the mom of his kids. This man is the perfect man for me. The other thing is my 16 year old just asked me if I would snuggle and watch a TV show with him. I love love love that my teen wants to spend time with me.

Here's a picture of my office. So now you can picture me at work. Below that is a beach in Thailand. This is where I would like to be instead of work. Smiles.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Lots to be happy about today.

It's an interesting process to sit down and process all the good out of my day because I spent a good deal of it in tears and angry to the point of shaking. However, there was good and that's what I'm choosing to focus on.

1. Ethan got braces on today!! He's only 9, but it needed to happen to correct his bite. He did fantastic and is rather proud of himself. I think he's so cute. He's certainly growing up and he's making great strides with his behavior and processing. I'm simply proud of him.

2. After two weeks in grad school my average is 96%. That's an A. Anything below 95% is an A- in this class so I don't think I'll be feeling over confident any time soon. I'll take the A though. I so appreciate my husband for being so supportive and creating the time for me to get the studying in. There's something really amazing about a man who makes you a priority. It feels fantastic. Thank you baby.

3. Beverages - I am kicking my caffeine habit. I had one cup of green tea today. No soda, no black tea, nothing but water and the lone cup of green tea. I always feel better when I'm simply a water drinker. I need to feel as good as I can, so here we go. I hate breaking a caffeine habit but the results will be worth it.

4. I also decided today to remove sugar and simple carbs. I'm tired of myself. So - today I just decided I was finished with my habits. I am really proud of myself too because I ended up at Burgerville, Wendy's and the bakery today. I purchased what I was there for other peoples but I did not get anything for myself. I came home and made my self a healthy food choice. It's been a long time since I've found that level of self control, so I'm going to celebrate it for today. Today I have eaten well. I have been healthy and respected myself. I feel good about it.

5. I was having a moment today. A moment of tears and anger and frustration - I ended up talking to my friend Lexi. I don't see Lex very often, she lives south of the river and around the bend. We joke that I live in Canada and she lives in Mexico because sometimes it feels just that far away. However, today when I really needed it, Lexi understood. She stepped up and took care of me. Right when I was feeling overwhelmed as a caregiver and hating the situation, she helped me step back, take a fresh look, and offered to take some of the load. I'm so thankful for friends.

6. I can go to bed early and since my caffeine withdrawal is in full swing, bed sounds amazing!! We're doing some remodeling so that my mother can have a private space to call her own. So, I'll need my energy!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Craaaazy day today!

This was the busiest - run aroundest day I have had in a long time. I went to work, clocked in, worked, left for something, returned, clocked back in... three times. Yep - three. I took the kidlets to the orthodontist. Ethan ends up needing to be bracketed asap, so Monday it is. That's a check I wasn't planning for, but I'm all about fixing things if there's a problem. Elleri is getting some baby teeth pulled. She'll be facing serial extractions until her teeth are all in. Sigh. Okay - positive and thankful.... we have a very talented orthodontist and I'm certain the kids will look amazing when they are done. We can come up with the money even though it wasn't what was planned. Ethan's headgear wearing will happen outside of school hours. There. That's three positives about that. It's a good habit I"m trying to create here.

On a totally happy side - tonight was Gallery Night at the kids school. I absolutely LOVE this night. It's my favorite school program of the whole year. The art program at their school is strong and the kids work on projects all year long then on gallery night they have the walls plastered with art and you walk through like a gallery. They have the BGHS jaz choir singing, craft and art projects for the kids to do, they have local artists with their art and showing the kids what you can do with what they are learning. I think every school should have a Gallery Night.

I always take pictures of the kids with their masterpieces because I'm not a paper saver. Here's some of them to share. My kids are so proud of their work.

Ask Elleri about Monet - they learn art history and appreciation as well as art skills. She's taught me a thing or two. Ethan's 'Monet Lily' was collaged with all the other kids lilies and pads to make a Monet like picture. I wish I'd take a photo of the whole thing - it was really cool. They work with all sorts of mediums and papers. It's a great program.

This is Elleri's 'Picasso Cat'. In the theme of the artist they were studying.

Each classroom had an insect and there was a BIG insect and then little ones for each kid. Ethan's class had ladybugs.

The best moment of my day is the fact that my man is home. Life is best when he's near. I'm sleepy and heading to bed. Hope you all had a good day too.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Where'd Sunday and Monday go?!

Well - I know where Sunday went. I spent the whole day - and I mean the entire day with my nose in my studies. It paid off and my weekend assignments netted me good grades. Those ever important grades sure do speak to me. It makes all the time worthwhile see my favorite vowel. SO Sunday was good, good for my soul. I so appreciate my husband for doing EVERYTHING. He ran total buffer between my kiddos and myself, he fed me, he met my every need so I could put in the required time. I am certain that completing this degree, getting the grades, it's all going to be the result of a family effort. After week one - I know there's no way I can accomplish this without my husband and kid's support and help. I'm thankful that everyone is supportive.

Monday was a work day. What I am thankful for is that my work went so fast that I got home early and had most of the day at home. I got laundry done, some much needed budgeting and planning, spent some quality time with my man, was home when the kids got home from school - it was all good.

Today is Tuesday. I started my day with class - then went to meet up with Elleri at a field trip. There's something really special about your child being so excited to see you. Makes my heart smile. Then I was heading into work and got a call that the computer system was done. This means that I can't do any work at work, so I headed home and I am blessed with almost 3 hours of no little kid quite. I LOVE those moments at home. I'm not alone, but it's quiet. Happy sigh.

I'm off to start my studies for this next week. I have 1 week down. I have 11 more weeks, 11 more quizzes and 11 more case studies in addition to midterm, final and presentation. My reading for this week is just under 300 pages - and I thought 180 for last week was bad! At least Steven is home this week so I'll be able to focus sooner in the week. I'm just feeling so thankful that I have the opportunity to do this. I am able to go to school and further my profession. I also found out today that my employer will pay for part of my tuition. Only a couple thousand a calendar year, but that's worth filling out a form for.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Saturday - Sábado

Today was a lovely day.

1. I was able to spend almost an hour in the car with my eldest and his friends. I love that time with him. I always learn something about him. I like his friends too.

2. My aunt and uncle dropped by today from California. It was actually really nice to see them. I enjoyed them both more than I was expecting too. Family is good.

3. I had a chance to chat with my friend Shelly for a moment. It was nice. I wish we could sit down over a cup of chai tea and just catch up, but I'll take the moment. I like her very much and I'm so thankful for friends. Good friends make my world a better place.

4. MY HUSBAND IS HOME!!!!! Speaking of the world being a better place, I like my world best when he's in it. At the moment, I'm listening to him laughing with Ethan in the other room. He's essentially been traveling since yesterday afternoon and today was a crazy day of delays and false starts in his effort to get home. He's on a couple hours of sleep and I LOVE this man because as tired as he is, he still finds the reserves to take a moment with his kids, laugh together and let them know they matter to him.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Thursday - Jueves AND Friday - Viernes

Well, blogger was on strike yesterday so I was unable to post that I had an amazing day. So, today I am going to talk about Thursday and today.

Thursday -

1. I am feeling so very thankful for my house. I love this house. It's simple, yet amazing. The timing that it was completed, the history with the land, the fact that we are living here after trying to sell the land so many times. It just all feels like we we're supposed to be here. I love how it sits on an axis to the sun that keeps it warm and full of winter sun in the winter and yet it's cool and full of diffuse light in the summer that doesn't increase my utility bills. I am looking forward to someday getting our deck on the back and throwing a party with outdoor lights strung about, several intimate tables with fresh flowers, good food and great friends. I have been picturing this setting for a party since before we even broke ground to build the house. One day I'll throw this party and I'll invite you.

2. I ended up with 4 hours of being home alone yesterday. It was luxurious. The housekeeper had just left, the kids were off to a birthday party, the eldest was at a friends studying. It was sunny, quiet, clean - a small moment of nirvana.

I studied. I was quiet for a bit. I sat in the sun. I studied in the sun. I ate yummy food. I didn't answer my phone. I wore sunglasses. It was a peaceful, near perfect moment.

3. I'm sure there was a third something, but 1 and 2 were just so amazing, I can't remember.


1. I did not work today, at least not at my job. I chaperoned a 2nd grade field trip to OMSI. It ended up being a lovely day. I enjoyed my boy and we all just had a great time. I'm thankful for a flexible schedule so I can do such things. I recently read Suzanne's blog about her kids and soccer and it made me think about years past when I scrambled about like a crazy woman trying to rearrange my work schedule, get people to work for me, trade shifts, etc in order to go to Jake's games. Come fall, with this job, I can simply go in early on the days that there are games. What a treat.

2. I picked up my new earrings today and in an effort to actually wear them I had an interesting moment. The holes in my ears had shrunk. I have had pierced ears since I was a teenager, but haven't really worn earrings for the past 10 years or so. Working in the ER complicated such things because patients sometimes grab at them. Not wanting to get my earlobes torn, I just got out of the habit. Well, my new earrings wouldn't go all the way through because they have screw backs (which are a bit bigger than standard) and it's been so long. The best option is to have the holes stretched open instead of shoving them through (risking tearing) or getting re-pierced. So, I ended up in NE at a piercing/tattoo shop. IF that sentence alone doesn't give you a visual of me being very out of place, I'll just say that I did not fit in. However, they treated me like I was a regular, they did a fabulous job, my earrings are in and it only cost me $5. I don't feel out of my element very often and it was an interesting experience. I love my new look.

3. This one should be: "My husband's coming home tonight!". However, he's not. They missed their flight and couldn't get out on a replacement flight tonight. He will be home tomorrow afternoon. It's a bummer. However, since I'm committed to finding the positives - the silver lining here has to be that I will end up with more time to study for my first quiz due this weekend. I'm not sure how I feel about a timed, 50 question quiz. It sure sounds like a test to me. However, I'm going to give it my best shot and study, study, study. Cell metabolism anyone? Good thing I love this stuff!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Wednesday - Miércoles

Well - Today was a day full of work, work and more work.

1. I choose to be grateful that I have work. I had to work more than my normal hours today and it's been a long day. My paycheck will be happy when it comes, so I will not complain today.

2. I enjoyed sitting down and eating dinner with my mom. Treasuring the moments.

3. Talked to an old, good friend tonight. It felt good to catch up and just chat. Friends are so important and special. Speaking of friends - Shelly - thanks for running my kiddo about. Appreciate you!

Tuesday - Martes

Well - Tuesday was interesting. Crazy busy. So crazy busy that I am just now blogging about it.

Good things about Tuesday:

1. I went to school, my first day of class. I told my kids that I went to my own class and they didn't believe me. Yet, it's true. I've started grad school. I'm going to WSU and my official course of study is the Family Nurse Practitioner program. I will end up with my Doctorate of Nursing Practice (DNP) with my Master's degree along the way. It's a crazy undertaking at this point in life but every door has opened to indicate that now is the right time. I believe in doors, and I'm walking through it. Check out this text book though! It's HUGE. Jake was quite impressed because the pages are small print too. I have 180 of those small print pages to read for my first week.

2. I'm thankful for my job. My work is allowing me to work flexible hours so that I can morph my work around a class schedule. I'm very fortunate that I can go to school while maintaining my job. I went to work after I finished my class. It worked out just fine.

3. My husband is so proud of me for getting accepted to the program and for undertaking more schooling. He surprised me with a pair of earrings for congratulations. They are being made and I get to pick them up on Friday. I haven't worn earrings in years, but I will wear these. I'm very excited and pleased. It's one of the few times he has completely surprised me. He's such an amazing husband.

Well, that was Tuesday. It feels like I'm starting on a journey that will help me become who I choose to be. It was a good day.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Monday - Lunes - Begining of the work week.

Three good things for today.

1. The best thing about today is some test results. My Mom's doctors have been fairly convinced that her cancer is a genetic mutation type. This would mean that I would likely have the gene. IF I did, I would have to have all my girly parts removed preventably because they all fall into the same genetic mutation together. So, I have been anxiously awaiting the test results. We got them today - no genetic mutation!! I'm so happy. It doesn't change anything for my Mom's outcome, but it means a whole lot to me and my kiddos. Good, good news.

2. Today was crazy busy. I've been going Mach 10 since I woke up at 5am. I got most everything done however. As tired as I feel right now, I'm grateful that I was able to get so much accomplished. That always feels good.

3. I was in a bind today. I had Jacob with me because he had an orthodontic appointment in Portland. The love of my life is travelling. I was meeting both of my parents for my Mom's Dr Appointment. None of the normal 'be home when the kids get home' people were home. My kids were getting off the bus and there was no one to meet them. No one was home. That is a very rare occurrence around here. There is almost always someone about. A was in a fix. A friend stepped up and offered to meet my kid's bus. She doesn't even have kids the ages of my little ones, but stepped in to fill the gap anyways. Perhaps a small thing for her to do, but for me - it made all the difference in my day. I felt loved and cared about. I'm so thankful for all my friends. They are such quality, amazing, wonderful people. I feel blessed beyond measure to have each of them in my life.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day 2011

Sunday - Mother's Day - Domingo

Today has been fabulous! I slept in a bit, the kids trying to be ever so quiet. I half wonder if their quiet was why I didn't sleep longer. I'm in the habit of always investigating quiet children. Grins.

Positives for today:

1. I still have my mother to celebrate today. We don't know if we will have another year with her or not, but TODAY, I got to hug her today and tell her that I love her so. She's an amazing woman and I'm so thankful that she lives so close and is so involved in my and my families life. We're all better for her presence.

2. My amazing husband took me out to breakfast and then chauffeured me to get a manicure and pedicure. There's something especially luxurious about being driven to be pampered. Best husband ever!

3. My kids gave me the sweetest home made cards. All three of them. Ethan's was my favorite because when I read it out loud, he got very shy and admitted that he didn't know what it said. He had just copied it off the board. It said: 'Here's a gift for Mother's Day. I'll try my best in every way, but when you get upset with me, relax and have a pot of tea. Love Ethan.' It was a cute colored teapot shaped card with a bag of tea in it. Ethan's response was the best.

4. My toes are RED and I like them.

5. I did well at just loving and living in each moment. Savoring the preciousness. It felt amazing.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Looking Forward

Well - I find my own blog to be a total downer. I have no further interest in writing any more about my failings or my ineptitude. SO - I am going to write about accomplishments and/or things I like about myself or my day. POSITIVE things only.

Perhaps by focusing on the good things, the things I can grab onto and be pleased about, I will be able to become the person I truly want to be.

Three things a day. I'm sure they will usually be small, inconsequential things, but you never know, perhaps at some point, something bigger might happen too.

My life over the next couple years will definitely be different than I had anticipated, but perhaps that alone will be the catalyst for the changes that I want to make in myself and my life.